An Ongoing List of Presidential Declarations

For those of you who don’t know, I plan on being elected President of the Universe. You can all vote for me in 2036 (I will be the only candidate). How exactly I plan on achieving global domination will, for now, remain a mystery. The important thing is this. Throughout my many years of conniving and scheming, I’ve made a mental list of ongoing changes I’d like to see implemented into my global empire. Problem is, I forget most of them. So this is where I’ve decided to keep a dedicated manifesto.


1) Every Tuesday will be Taco Tuesday.

2) All musicals will have a mandatory tap dancing number.

3) Thumb rings are banned.

4) Taking up 2 seats on the bus is punishable by up to 10 years in jail and a hefty fine.

5) Implementation of a Scholastic Book Fair for adults.

6) All other Matthews, Matts, and Mattys will require a mandatory name change or be exiled to the island of Matt-agascar (except for Matthew Perry).

7) Every changing room must legally provide a bench.

8) 8am classes will be banned.

9) No more New Years glasses until the years 3000-3009

10) More men’s Halloween costumes of the slutty variety.

11) All urinals shall have adequate dividers placed between them

12) A bold reimagining and invigoration of the blimp industry. 3 blimps or zeppelins for every city.

13) You can only wear a fedora if you were born before the Great Depression.

14) Return society to a currency system based in golden doubloons.

15) Solve wealth-inequality by replacing all doorknobs with crystal doorknobs.

16) Provide a little Hawaiian shirt to put on every cat.

17) John Travolta and Kevin Bacon will have a dance-off, finally deciding the true King of Dance.

18) The plural form of shrimp will hereby be ‘shromps’.

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